As Mother's Day approaches, I have been reflecting back on my role as a mother and what it means. I am not just a Mum. I am a million things. But the most important thing I will ever do in my life will be a mother.
And I really don't want to stuff it up.
Having a child with a disability means you are no longer just a Mum. It means you are your child's voice. You are sometimes their arms and legs. You have to pay attention to every.single.detail or else you will end up with a sick or injured child. Or worse. Your child could end up very very sad.
It is hard.
Being a Mum of a child who can't talk.
Who can't tell you about their excursion to the Aquarium.
Who can't tell you if he got a window seat on the bus.
Who can't tell you if he loved seeing the stingrays.
I don't stop asking him though. About his day, I mean.
I desperately look for changes in his facial expressions, to see if he is telling me or not.
Does that smile mean that he had a good time?
Do those sad eyes mean he wishes he could tell me all about it too?
And what about the constant health issues?
I can't tell you what is wrong with my child because he can't tell me how he feels.
Again, I am guessing by the constant seizures, the pale face, the gentle whinge, that he is feeling awful. But how do I fix that? How can I find out the reason?
People think they know.
In fact, people bombard you with the solutions.
Of course. It is just as simple as that. Now why didn't I think of that?
If only it was that easy.
I am, and will always be a Mum First.
I will always want to wrap my arms around my children's bodies and enjoy how they seem to just fit so perfectly.
I will always tell them how proud I am of them. How much I love them. That they are beautiful, kind and clever.
I will always want to make them happy, give up anything to ensure they get what they need.
I will always just enjoy hanging out with them. Talking with them. Being close to them.
Making each day better than the last.
You know what I love about Mothers Day?
I don't want expensive presents. I just want to be able to spend time with my children and my husband. Enjoying each others company.
And finding ways to smile.