Defeated...for now

At the moment, I am just surviving.
I should have known it was only a matter of time before I fell over again and needed some help to get back up.
They seem to come hand in hand don't they?
And I should have really just taken a moment when I felt the stress building up.
I should have just said 'hey, I need a day or two to myself'.
But I didn't.
And here I am.

I am ok by the way.
Just in between sick kids, a sick me, work, a zillion extra appointments to somehow squeeze into my already full all just became a bit much.
Cue: Me in tears sitting in my Managers office.
Thank goodness I have a supportive and wonderful workplace.
She saw I needed time out and told me to take it.

The worst bit of it all is the stupid anxiety that came back.
For those that suffer from anxiety (whether it be a sometimes thing like me, or an ongoing disorder), it truly sucks the life out of you.
My body just completely went into adrenaline overload.
For two days I felt like my body was full of electricity.
It is the worst.feeling.ever.
No matter how hard I tried to control it, I struggled.
It has started to pass again, and I have run over the anxiety a few times with a road train (or is that just how I feel?!)
If only it would stay away.

Le sigh.

Today we had our usual check up at the RCH.
It all went well.
Ryley's cholesterol came down which was great news!
He is now weighing in at a whopping 27.6kgs. Which is rather heavy.
He has only slightly grown taller.
So no changes to the diet for now.

Neither of the kids are that well at the moment, I think they are both fighting colds again.
Ryley still seems to have a virus of some description I think that it is connected to the conjunctivitis.

It just never ends sometimes.

Time to just do the bare minimum.
No extra appointments (although poor David has to have some extensive dental work which won't be nice).
And I am promising myself that I need to try and get back out running again.
But we just need to say No to things for a while.

As an aside, I am interested in how many Carers/Parents suffer from stress related anxiety.
I am thinking of researching this area and writing a paper.
If anyone has any thoughts or wants to share anything, feel free to email me at


  1. The more years I'm "in" this world, the more I do read about the effects -- particularly long-term -- of care-giving and not many of them are positive. I so wish that more emphasis was placed on RESPITE for families -- including siblings -- and am frustrated that nearly everything revolves around cure and treatment. Obviously, enormous funds are required for cure and treatment, but I imagine a lot more could be allocated to families, even research, so that lives are made better.

    1. I totally agree with you Elizabeth. Respite is so important. For everyone (even the person with a disability). I think that I tend to put enormous pressure on myself too and forget to ask for help if I need it.

  2. Oh, and I'm sorry to hear of your recent anxiety issues. I hope that you DO get some time to yourself -- mindfulness meditation for depression and stress is something that you might explore if you haven't already.

    1. Yes I have been looking into mindfulness therapy. It is definitely something that looks like it could work for me!

  3. Cut the dry wood
    Expect less of yourself
    Dry up your thoughts (not your tears)
    Memento te amari

    1. I love this. I am going to print it out and keep it with me. Actually that last line which is translated as 'remember you are loved' (I think?), is printed on a beautiful locket that my husband gave me. I must find that locket and start wearing it again. Thankyou Eric for offering me these words of comfort.

    2. Your welcome Anna. I have the sentence tattooed on my shoulder with the names of my two eldest (the other has Segev and "intima fortitudo")

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  5. I, too, know that anxiety too well. In a very strange way, for me, it's not linked to anything specific but often just wells up out of nowhere ... a quite unwelcome friend rearing it's ugly head. Often it's unexplained or unexplainable ... just happens. The other side of my anxiety coin is "catastrophic thinking". Something small which you perceive to become a huge event...a small fever is perceived to always be a precursor to pneumonia; not having your kid pee for 5 hours is a urinary blockage. None of these happen but you always expect the worst and fear the worst.
    I think it's a part of the life we live, my shrink told me it was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now that was helpful ... sometimes, always, valium just breaks the cycle when a glass of wine won't. I don't know anyway to defeat the demon but just accept it's there, that it will return and try to move onward, I guess... Also, as Eric notes, knowing that enough people care gives energy and life and lightens the burden!

    1. I am so sorry you are another one who has to go through anxiety Phil. I went and saw my psychologist today who pointed out that the more I try and struggle against the anxiety, the worse it will get. Mine often seems to come up out of the blue too, though mostly when I am stressed.
      It is a natural part of our human existence to feel anxiety. But I think for some of us, we deal with far more than most humans could ever imagine.
      And I definitely believe that knowing people care helps give us extra energy to keep going.
      I think too, that knowing I am not alone is a comfort in some ways.

  6. Oh Anna. I hope that the boys get and stay well for at least a little while. I hope you can get some more time to destress and relax.

    1. Thanks E. Changing seasons often seems to bring about little viruses. Fingers crossed we start to all feel better soon!

  7. Anna, sorry I haven't responded to your posts for a while. I always read them and you always conjure up a laugh and happy familiarity from me as I relate to what you describe. Even when you're discussing something unpleasant like anxiety you find a way to make it sound amusing rather than 'the be all and end all'! I too can relate to the anxiety phenomena. It is definitely something that has increased for me as the years have passed. You'd think I would have worked it out by now but unfortunately it seems to be the opposite. I think the PLAN list is a great idea - I'm going to try writing a list like that just to get me over the hump. I agree with you about the whole overdoing of everything scenario. Our days are not the same as our friends or work colleagues - yet we have to try to fit everything in to make it work. I sometimes think it's grossly unfair because physically and mentally it's impossible. Then we burn out - but we can't burn out because we have to keep caring. I have always been a great believer in respite but now I am finding it doesn't work in my favour due to my son's increased needs and my daughter's dislike of it. However, it is an area that is grossly underfunded and needs a major overhaul - especially for elderly parents who are still caring for their adult child. I would be interested to talk to you more about anxiety and depression especially if that helps with the paper you are writing.

  8. Anna, I try to respond to your posts when I get a chance because they always make me feel good and happy. Even when you're writing about something unpleasant like depression or anxiety you put an entertaining twist on it. As I, too, often feel plagued from this problem - I can get a sense of relief knowing that we're all in this dilemma together and sharing it really helps. I have always tended to keep it to myself but am realizing now (thanks to the wonderful guidance of a close friend) that it is much better to work through it with the support of others who understand. If we look at ourselves and what we do in a day - it far outweighs the norm. I think we try too hard to fit everything into our already manic lives and when something starts to give - which it will - we are immersed with feelings of being overwhelmed. Added to this is our ridiculous level of tiredness and the outcome is one very stressed and anxious parent - who is trying so hard to get it right.
    I love your PLAN - I'm going to write a plan too ... I think that's a great idea. Thanks for being so honest and forthcoming - it's so refreshing. I definitely will keep reading your posts because I know they'll pep me up and keep me feeling normal.

  9. Hi Marcelle,
    Thanks so much for your reply. Part of why I share my feelings of anxiety and stress is because I don't want to be ashamed to say there are times I have trouble facing life. Even just from the responses I have recieved from this post, I have found that I am not alone. I wouldn't wish anxiety and stress on my worst enemy to be honest! But part of this is about learning, and learning that sometimes I need to take care of myself better and put my own needs first.
    I always write plans, and lists and sometimes I just write the random thoughts down. The best piece of advice I have got is that anxiety is just that. It is not going to kill me. It is just my body reacting to the stress. The more I try and figure out why all of a sudden I have anxiety, the longer it will take for me to get back to my 'normal' self.
    I love reading your comments! Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I hope you are well!

  10. Hi Anna, sorry i have not caught up onn your blog for a couple of weeks and having no Facebook i miss out on peoples lives ( good in most ways! ;) ) so sorry to hear things are so tough/rough i hope with this spring sunshine you are feeling a but better x i dont think i have anxiety but i have particular stressors in my life at the moment that lead to me really flipping out uncessarilty as my way of saying i am at the end of my tether, i need help and i can not cope anymore with certain issues. Blog wise i try and present my reality but some of my real real life stuff cannot be shared which makes it really hard xxx much love to you xxxx

    1. Hey Bron,
      I think one of the realities of having a child/adult with a disability is that we seem to be more susceptible to stress/anxiety/depression because of the challenges we face. We all react differently don't we. Bottom line is that it sux. So glad you are back blogging again, missed you!! xxxx

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