Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Love Who You Love




I have always loved this song and it has even more meaning now.

Missing you Jacob. Every single day, with every inch of my being.
In my thoughts, in my mind, you are still here.


Please.

LOVE who you love.

And SAY that you do.






Thursday, May 16, 2013


May your soul return to Knowing
That Love is all you need.
Send fear away and choose to be
One with God, for then, you will see.
Your shining light,
And Our Love.
May your spirit live on in peace.
Please just Believe.

Missing you every day.
Your biggest sister Anna, your brother in law David
And Uncle Jaypeg’s nephews,
Ryley and Braeden.
Never far from our thoughts, always in our hearts.













Monday, May 13, 2013

Today.


Jacob, Me, Petra and Bede


This is a photo taken of a photo, so forgive the poor quality. But it is the last ever photo taken of me and my siblings. Who knew it would be the last?

Today I just feel empty inside. I feel nothing.
I am trying to fill my heart with love so that I can keep going, but it is hard.
For the first time, I don't feel Jacob around me.

I keep seeing the photos that my Mum puts up on Facebook and I just want to silently scream,
"Jacob come back".
There is comfort in knowing where he is right now (well, sort of), but the day to day reality is difficult to get through.

I forced myself today to take Braeden to school.
To go out in public and be near people.
I think that is the hardest thing for me.
I want to just sit in silence on my own.
I have never wanted to be more on my own than now.
But that isn't healthy I guess.

Today I will put one foot in front of the other.
I will breathe.
I will appreciate and be grateful for the time I got to spend with Jacob.

He wrote to me earlier in the year telling me how much he was enjoying my blog posts this year.
Sadly, they were few and far between.
He kept urging me to write more and put up more photos.
(He also encouraged my Mum to write about her own Mother and family history).

It is time to write again.
For writing is what I do best.





Sunday, May 12, 2013

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)


I don't even know how to write this blog post.
I guess I should start by thanking everyone for the messages of support my family and I have received in the past few weeks.
For those not on Facebook who might not have seen my post on Friday, it read like this:

My brother Jacob entered eternal life yesterday and is back home with God. He is now at peace. Thank you to everyone for your prayers, messages and support through this very difficult time. I carry your heart (I carry you in my heart). Things will be never be the same.

Jacob, my brother, passed away after a short illness on Thursday 9th of May 2013.
He was 31 years old.

Even as I write that I still don't believe it.
How can he be gone?
I only spoke with him on the phone the day after he went into hospital and as usual, he wondered why I was ringing him when he was only going to be in hospital briefly. In fact, he told me, he was planning to go home and then just come back in on Monday to have the tests done.
I will always be grateful for that telephone call I made, for it was the last time I ever would use the phone to talk to him again.

I feel this emptiness inside me at the moment as I somehow move through the days.
Yet the thing is, I keep hearing his voice.

Bacon Bones.
That was what I used to call him.
I often started emails to him like that. Or I called him Yakov.
Even as I write this I can hear his voice saying "An.Na."
I guess I better make sure I write good stuff about him hey?

Jacob was a tall, strong man. And when he was a kid...well...let's just say our fights would often involve the testing of ones strength. Usually on either side of a bedroom door!
He was always strong.
Sometimes he would forget that.

Jacob was a father.
I will never forget when he sent through the ultrasound photo of  'peanut'. He was so excited about becoming a father. He loved his daughter with every inch of his being. She will always know how much he loves her.

I want to write so much more.
But I can't.

Maybe tomorrow. But not today.
It hurts.
It hurts that he grew weary.
It hurts to see my family in so much pain.
It hurts that he isn't here in the physical sense any more.

I believe in LOVE.
I believe in GOD.
I believe in HEAVEN.

I can only hope that Jacob can see how LOVED he is and will always be.

How do I walk through this world now?

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart).







Saturday, May 4, 2013

The power of prayer



My brother Jacob is right now in an Intensive Care Unit in Latvia fighting for his life. Without details, for now, he is in a critical condition.
This is his journey and I believe he will come through this.
But please, if you believe in the power of pray, I ask that you pray for him right now.
If you believe in positive thoughts, I ask that you send them.
If you believe in the healing light and energy, I ask that you send it.

And now these three remain: Faith, Hope and Love, and the greatest of these is Love.




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